“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”
~ The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis.
loving is a risk we must take. no matter how many times people have stomped on our previously unblemished, shiny heart-shaped balloon. no many how many plasters it takes to keep it up and working again.
because if we do not love, we will suffer less but we will not reap more joy. we will prevent further injuries but we will never experience true redemption. we HAVE to love. we have to love in order to be reconciled with the only one who invented love. who IS love.
Looking at my current block’s timetable, it seems that i have more than enough time to study + explore my interests + serve(haha i really hope i’m not overestimating myself). it has also been a while since i last exercised/did some outdoor activities (but this could probably wait till later when it’s cooler and less sunny heee)
am currently reading the book of Samuel for my daily devotion, and today i read 1 Samuel Ch 17 on David and Goliath.
David was a shepherd-turned-king, anointed by the prophet Samuel. He was chosen by God to be King Saul’s successor after Saul’s rebellion towards God. Saul disobeyed God’s commands and later even built an altar for himself.
In that chapter, the Israelites were being forced into war with the Philistines, and the Philistines’ greatest weapon in that war was literally a giant named Goliath (he was around 9 feet 9/ 3 meters in height!), clad in heavy armor and immense pride.
And then David comes along. He was not part of the army, but went on his father’s orders to send some food for his brothers on the battlefield, and also bring back some news and assurance from them. He saw that the Israelites (Saul included) were terrified by Goliath.
David asked the men standing near him, “What will be done for the man who kills this Philistine (Goliath) and removes this disgrace from Israel? Who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he should defy the armies of the living God? – v. 26
I like his courage, and especially his faith in the never-yielding might of God and also His eternal promise.
When you go to war against your enemies and see horses and chariots and an army greater than yours, do not be afraid of them, because the Lord your God, who brought you up out of Egypt, will be with you. When you are about to go into battle, the priest shall come forward and address the army. He shall say: “Hear, Israel: Today you are going into battle against your enemies. Do not be fainthearted or afraid; do not panic or be terrified by them. For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory. ” – Deuteronomy 20:1-4
Another point I admired was that he still submitted to authority even though it was apparent that his superior was more of a coward than he was.
David said to Saul, “Let no one lose heart on account of this Philistine; your servant will go and fight him.” ~v. 33
He is also the classical example of the “nobody”. the underdog, whom people never really expect much from, yet triumphs over evil. He takes his enemy by surprise. he defies the limitations of the physical.
David said to the Philistine, “You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the Lord will deliver you into my hands, and I’ll strike you down and cut off your head. This very day I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds and the wild animals, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord’s, and he will give all of you into our hands. – v. 45-47
and just with a sling and a staff, he destroys Goliath.
I want to be a David.
no doubt that i am a nobody. but i want to have the courage to love Him with actions and in truth, and to do His works and be that priest that all His sons and daughters were called to be.
Blessed and holy are those who share in the first resurrection. The second death has no power over them, but they will be priests of God and of Christ and will reign with him for a thousand years. ~ Revelation 20:6
p.s. this is an interesting article about how the church members treated their new pastor who dressed up as a homeless man. really thought provoking.
a hectic week it has been. so hectic that i skipped this morning’s lecture just to SLEEP IN (ah bliss!) and bask in one day of not having to answer to my phone alarm.
i had plans from morning till night throughout the week and was simply too physically drained.
and just came back from a malaysian mooncake festival gathering.
but God did teach me alot through the busyness of it all.
with some old friends at the mooncake gathering @ St John’s college! 😀
it was pretty intimidating to see so many fresh unknown faces (i don’t even know most of the year 1s and 2s lol) but of course it was great to see the graduates Vee + Anthony + Bong, my batchmates (the dentistry gals) and my medic seniors + juniors.
we have one new junior this year (m19) and another year 2 junior (m18) which we just found out not too long ago. both of them are Christians.
the presence of yet another batch of juniors also made me reflect on how i should guide my juniors; hopefully through helping them humbly, instead of letting it be a chance to satisfy my pride and self-esteem. i wanted to learn how to serve them in a way that God saw fit.
but at the same time i felt hopeful. that another bout of change was going on. just like how i start to feel the cooler autumn wind alot more often now.
Charlene and I walked down the exact same stairs 4 years ago holding each others hands over the handrails. and today as we came upon this flight of stairs on our way down for dessert, we immediately reached out for each other’s hands and reminisced on our “4 years ago” act.
The physical act and setting of it was exactly the same, but our hearts were very much different from year 1. our ideals, our goals, our relationship with God, our friendship with one another.
Change happened.
But looking back, change was such a beautiful thing, when the story of our lives were written by none other than our beloved & mighty Lord.
brought two of my juniors to the wards today as a warm-up to their clinical years as they would be seeing patients a lot more often this year.
after knowing that i would be bringing them to the wards, i went through a mental checklist of what to brief them on: how to use the computerised patient database to look up on the patients’ past clinical notes, imaging and blood test results, how to take a proper and systematic history, how to do a proper physical examination, and how to present their history and p/e findings.
we chose a surgery ward as both of my juniors were currently in surgery rotation while i just finished mine. some people use diet sheets/boards to choose the patient they wished to clerk but usually i just walk up to whichever patient is alert, awake and doesn’t seem to repel us medical students.
we ended up clerking a patient with a ruptured abdominal aneurysm with subsequent repair done. but he was currently admitted due to post-op abdominal pain.
while both of my juniors asked the patient about his condition, i stood by the sidelines with a list of questions and issues flooding my mind: they should also ask this and that. should not spend so much time exploring unnecessary history. should clarify the symptoms. my brain juices were churning constantly, trying to figure out if i would miss out anything basic and important to teach them.
midway through the interview, the patient started opening up and talked more about his own experiences eg with his previous heart attack which occurred on a plane. the patient seemed to take it all in his stride. my juniors were fascinated by his resilience in spite of all his medical problems and how he could control his “mind over matter”.
in fact, i was both fascinated and happy that my juniors found it very enjoyable talking to the patient (they shared this piece of information with me after we finished clerking). they expressed genuine care and appreciation for all the experience and advice shared by our elderly patient.
and honestly, today i was more preoccupied about fulfilling my responsibility as a senior than learning to serve. both my juniors and the patient.
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. ~ 1 John 3:16-20
let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.
so i guess, today besides me teaching them the practicalities of clerking patients, they taught me another far more important lesson that would stay true all the way: i was dealing with patients, not cases. and us being medical students, we were given the privilege of having far more time than doctors. to talk more to patients. to understand their struggles. to lighten their emotional baggage for a teensy bit.
and i quote from someone, being a doctor is “to cure sometimes, to relieve often, and to comfort always.” to comfort always.
and with God’s grace, I hope I will never, ever forget what i learned today.
i’ve been ITCHING to write a blog post today for no special reason. having exams tomorrow but somehow i can’t fully concentrate on revision.
i watched two videos today struck a chord: one was a video of a DJ scolding a 16-year old girl on a HK radio station. the other was Lindsay Lohan’s interview on David letterman from youtube.
In the first one, the girl called in to talk about her recent breakup with her boyfriend whom she knew through the internet. they were together for 1.5 months, met up 3 times before they had sex on the 4th time they met. when asked by the DJ, she said this was not her first sexual encounter. her first was when she was 14 years old (with another boy). she is currently working as a waitress, although she claims to have good results in school but just wants to work. (?) she says now she is just glad that the relationship is over and she knows that she will meet someone better in the future. obviously she got reprimanded by the DJ (or else people listening would think that this societal trend is acceptable?!?!) for not loving herself and dumping her own future down the drain. The DJ asked her, “how do you picture yourself 15 years from now?” and she said she would most likely be a mother. Yes, she could be a mother, but probably one with many a burden to carry. being a single parent. contracting HIV. working as a prostitute. marrying an abusive guy. etc etc etc.
and the sad thing was, by the end of the conversation, you could tell that she did not understand the DJ’s point at all. she was still blinded. literally. by what she thought she was pursuing – true love? or that having sex at a young age would mean she was very desirable? was her life’s ultimate goal was to gain instant gratification of the flesh, live life in its moment and satisfy sex-hungry men?
Open my eyes that I may see
wonderful things in your law. ~Psalm 119: 18
i have no idea if she will continue living in her own world or one day she will wake up to find how she wasted her life. and then it will be another round of heartbreak for her. like how Adam and Eve found that they were naked in the Garden of Eden after eating the forbidden fruit. and she may end up broken/unable to believe in true love/learning to manipulate people for her own purpose.
the second video was a pretty harsh and degrading interview of Lindsay Lohan. David Letterman repeatedly mentioned and drilled her about her upcoming sessions at the drug rehabilitation centre. i don’t usually follow celebrity news so i have no idea what happened to her prior to that. but just from the looks on her face when the host probed her on her past, she seemed angry, helpless yet defensive of her current situation and she was trying to put her past behind her. she was a very, very broken young lady. (and yet in Tinseltown, celebrities just get poked and pried for every single mistake they commit. but to some extent it should be expected la)
The difference in the two would probably be that the first was not aware of her own mistakes, while the second was trying to change but being put under a lot of pressure at the same time. and regardless of the differences, both of them share a brokenness that people experience some point in their lives.
broken by a breach of trust. an irresponsible act. an indulgent mistake. unintentionally hurtful comments. sin in its various forms. people hurt us. we hurt ourselves. we use the past to hurt ourselves and others.
i have scars of my own too. they come back to haunt me sometimes and sometimes the brokenness leads me to think that pure faith, hope and love is sometimes so intangible and so out of reach.
But God often reminds me.
“‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: On the day I cleanse you from all your sins, I will resettle your towns, and the ruins will be rebuilt. The desolate land will be cultivated instead of lying desolate in the sight of all who pass through it. They will say, “This land that was laid waste has become like the garden of Eden; the cities that were lying in ruins, desolate and destroyed, are now fortified and inhabited.” Then the nations around you that remain will know that I the Lord have rebuilt what was destroyed and have replanted what was desolate. I the Lord have spoken, and I will do it.
~Ezekiel 36: 33-36
God restores. He heals.
Amazing Grace – John Newton
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
T’was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
‘Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
When we’ve been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
Than when we’ve first begun.
attended a talk-cum-dinner organised by the Hong Kong Women Doctor’s Association two nights ago. Me and a couple of classmates were invited by a really nice oncologist (who always invites students to events lol) through our christian fellowship.
the talk was by a senior paediatrician on vaccination in children, which was pretty interesting; eg I didn’t know that people actually had the idea that vaccinations were associated with autism! but anyway research shows no association whatsoever between the two; simply that autism nowadays is on the rise, maybe due to overdiagnosis or people nowadays simply being more iPad/iPhone oriented rather than people-oriented. maybe this kind of technology-related social impairment will be part of the autism spectrum disorder (ASD) someday, who knows xd
many of our university professors, doctors who usually made headlines, healthcare policymakers also went for the dinner. many others were doctors from various specialties.
it was nice of our doctor to specially arrange two tables for us students and some of her own friends (the lady sitting next to me was the headmistress of her daughter’s kindergarten). she and her husband were extremely hospitable to us.
but it just felt oddly uncomfortable being in the presence of lots of senior doctors, and it’s hard not to think that this is the life that i will start to have in a few years’ time. probably not the being kowtow-ed and addressed as “professor” part, but the part where i have to start learning PROPER dining etiquette (i didn’t know you have to tear the bread and eat it bit by bit!!! these video series helped alot.), how and when to talk to people that i’m afraid to talk to, basically.
it feels like i have gotten a taste of the studying–> working transition, and i’m not ready to face it just yet.
-Lucky draws! Candy got a cooking wok and i got a set of facial cleansing products that I will probably not use and instead just pass it to my sister
That aside, I’m still really glad that God let me see into my fears. growing up is really scary in my honest opinion hahahaha ><
The Lord appeared to us in the past,saying:
I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.
~Jeremiah 31:3
Thought of this verse as I was typing this post. I think growing up with God will be… very unpredictable. and i can’t say i’m looking forward to His plans without a fraction of doubt or fear, but more now than ever, i’m holding on tight to His hand.
And i hope i will have the courage to never let go.
Aaron Keyes – Sovereign Over Us
There is strength within the sorrow, There is beauty in our tears
You meet us in our mourning, With a love that casts out fear
You are working in our waiting, Sanctifying us
When beyond our understanding, You’re teaching us to trust
CHORUS
Your plans are still to prosper, You have not forgotten us
You’re with us in the fire and the flood
Faithful forever, Perfect in love
You are sovereign over us
V2
You are wisdom unimagined, Who could understand your ways
Reigning high above the heavens, Reaching down in endless grace
Youʼre the Lifter of the lowly, Compassionate and kind
You surround and You uphold me, Your promises are my delight
BR
Even what the enemy means for evil
You turn it for our good, You turn it for our good and for your glory
Even in the valley You are faithful
Youʼre working for our good, Youʼre working for our good and for your glory
am having my weekly day off today and am not really spending it productively *guilty grin*
I still have quite a bit of reading to do for surgery block and need to clerk more cases. but today’s rain is comfortably keeping me indoors (more opportunities to slack lol)
Tina introduced me to a sweet youtube video on a sweet couple, Cliff and Wai Jia, who were “matchmade” by God (watch it here) and also Wai Jia’s blog.
Which makes me wonder about God’s plan for me as well. Lately God seems to be telling me about serving and humility, and I wonder how can i better serve the community and church that I am in.
Had my first experience of serving in the church through Youth Choir, and so far we have done two worship sessions singing a cantonese hymn, Do You Love God? (你爱主吗？) its a rather different experience because for the first time in my life, I felt involved in a church rather than just being a participant.
It was also weird listening to the sermon with the pastor’s back facing me. A small table clock answered a long-time query of mine, as to how could the pastor keep up with the time without looking awkward by explicitly looking at his wristwatch/ceiling clock.
To be honest I don’t have a good musical ear (despite having learnt piano up to Grade 8; these things are mutually exclusive in my opinion) so singing alto can be a challenge for me when the altos around me are not singing too loudly/I lose the note. So I often have to take the music score back/take a photo of it to practise my alto part. Hopefully my hearing skills will improve with more training (and with God’s grace! XD)
juniors are coming back tomorrow as school begins for them this coming Monday. and am being asked about how to decode the oh-so-ever confusing timetable (with abcd and 1-18 groupings in various permutations @@), how to prepare and what to expect of year 3.
honestly, I couldn’t remember much. maybe cause the academic stuff was muddled with some intense emotions I felt back then, or maybe it was just cause year 3 was really a muddle.
anyhow, i did set a guide for them; but i always have thought that everyone is bound to have different goals and expectations, so regardless of what I say, their year 3 experience and thoughts might be way different than mine.
there’s one thing I should warn them though. please don’t start clerking too many patients in the wards! we want to clerk also ga >< or not all the patients will refuse us (aka clerk larn) when we reach the wards @@
but still, am happy that more people are back and our “medic zoo” will seem more like a complete family. 😉
Tonight was also the last sermon from Pastor Fernando on the topic of love. am a bit sad that the series of inspiring messages from the pastor are coming to an end; his talks are so interesting and funny (and also the translating pastor! he will be the revival seminar speaker next year and am so looking forward to it!!!! :D). the whole series of sermons will be ready online from this Sept onwards here. The morning and noon sermons are in Cantonese with live Mandarin/Putonghua translation and the night sermons are in English with live Cantonese translation. Definitely worth listening to! (for me, esp the night ones)
Today’s verse was 1 Cor 13:7.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (It refers to love)
On the point of perseverance, he mentioned about a lady, Fanny Crosby, who lost her eyesight to an incompetent doctor who mis-treated her common cold. As she grew up, she came to believe in Christ, and even became a famous hymn writer and wrote more than 8,000 hymns.
Take the world, but give me Jesus,
All its joys are but a name;
But His love abideth ever,
Through eternal years the same.
Refrain
Oh, the height and depth of mercy!
Oh, the length and breadth of love!
Oh, the fullness of redemption,
Pledge of endless life above!
Take the world, but give me Jesus,
Sweetest comfort of my soul;
With my Savior watching o’er me,
I can sing though billows roll.
Take the world, but give me Jesus,
Let me view His constant smile;
Then throughout my pilgrim journey
Light will cheer me all the while.
Take the world, but give me Jesus.
In His cross my trust shall be,
Till, with clearer, brighter vision,
Face to face my Lord I see.
Sometimes I just ask myself, if someone took away my family, all my money, my education, a part of my body, what would I be left with, and what would I truly be.
There’s a chinese worship song that goes 這世界有個千年不變道理，那就是耶穌愛你.
I guess what would be left that I was a precious, loved child of God.
God’s love is overwhelming. It’s crazy to think that I overlook God’s love time and time again.
Been attending Christian revival seminars every night this week. The speaker is Dr. Ajith Fernando, a pastor from Sri Lanka. The topic is Radical Loving in a Complex World. The bible verse used is one well known even outside the Christian community: 1 Corinthians 13.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
People are forgetful. I am forgetful. Of all the things i can forget (lecture notes aside), i forget who I am. I guess I was reminded of this two days ago, when the topic was “love does not envy”. We envy because we compare with others and we seem to have less. We seek our identity through the recognition of us by others, but yet once and once again, we will be disappointed because people change. But God does not.
He tells us who we are. That we are His precious children. He loves us, He cares for us and He nurtures us in His love and righteousness. And that gives us even more reason to love others, because we are already made complete by His love. What is there more to compare/ask?
Yesterday’s topic was love does not boast and is not proud. We boast once again because we want others to know how good we are, cause in this world where everyone wants to be the best, we want the glory. But one cannot serve two Gods. And if we glorify ourselves, we cannot glorify God.
Was reminded that Jesus washed his disciples feet.
He knew that he was already exalted, therefore He stooped down to be a servant.
And isn’t this the same for us children of God? When we already know that we are exalted in the kingdom of Heaven, we have more the reason to bring ourselves to serve others.
my journeys and musings... 